Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
Because she threw out all the bent ones.
What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
Beer in each hand!
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
There is a one story house and everything in it is pink, what color are the stairs?
There are no stairs, it was a one story house!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
Why did Tigger look into the toilet?
To find Pooh!
Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up!
What is a boxer's favorite drink?
Why did the jellybean go to school?
Because it wanted to be a smartie
How do baseball players stay cool?
They hang out near the fans
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was too chicken
What does a vegetarian zombie eat?
What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield?
Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks could have 'possum on the half-shell
How do you make an apple turnover?
Roll it down a hill
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum kit
What did the one elevator say to the other elevator?
I think I'm coming down with something
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches
Why did the pickle stay in bed
He felt dill
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "I'd like a glass of..............milk."
The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
The Polar bear holds up his (paws) and says, "I don't know, I was born with 'em!"
A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...
"I don't like it" she says, "I want some what that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."
So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that !”
What is a witch's favorite class in school?
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems
A blonde goes up to an airline ticket window and says, "I need a round trip ticket, please." The agent says, "Where do you want to go?" and the blonde says, "Duh, back here."
Where would you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left him
Two guys take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air. Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost. One guy says to the other, "What shall we do?" The other says, "I know - fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us." He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help. So he fires off three more shots. Still no rescue, and it's getting dark. The first guy says, "Shall we try again?" The other says, "No. I've only got two arrows left."
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says 'You can't bring that dog in here!' The guy, without missing a beat, says 'This is my seeing-eye dog.' 'Oh man, ' the bartender says, 'I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me.' The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says 'You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog.' The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says 'Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!'
The second man replies 'This is my seeing-eye dog.' The bartender says, 'No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.' The man pauses for a half-second and replies 'What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?'
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve You, but don't start anything.'
What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up
What are three little words you'll never hear a man say?
'I'll get it'
Two fish were sitting in their tank. One says to the other, " You drive, I'll man the gun."
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?
"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
Bartender says, "Um, sir- you have a steering wheel jammed in your drawers?"
Pirate replies, "Arrrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"
What has a neck but no head, and wears a cap?
What can honk without a horn?